THE PEACOCK REPORT (TPR)

USDA Gets Sheepish on America

Satire

Our sister site Exhortations to the Oblivious takes a satirical look at the good, the baaaaad, and the ugly side of federally funded programs. Click here to find out more.

U.S. Army Guides Egypt in Creating New Missile Facility

A missile testing facility featuring a 200-missile “storage igloo” is slated to be built in Egypt, where the U.S. Army will coordinate construction of the new facility. Additional areas for missile assembly, disassembly, and temporary storage will be built as well, according to a presolicitation notice obtained by The Peacock Report. The Army Corps of Engineers plans to outsource the project either to a U.S.-based contractor or to Egyptian joint ventures affiliated with U.S. companies.

Jobs, Rejoice! Price Chopper Now Offers Hobson's Choice

The Washington Post reported that U.S. employers added 243,000 jobs last month. Most notable is Post writer Neil Irwin's proclamation that these U.S. Dept. of Labor statistics are "the latest evidence that the U.S. economy began the year on an upswing."

Let's keep in mind that the DoL stats may or may not be as reliable as President Bush's claim that Iraq in 2001 was a threat to our national security. Okay, maybe that's somewhat harsh. Instead, let me recast the validity of those numbers on the level of, say, the Reagan Administration's stance in the 1980s that Nicaragua was a threat to U.S. sovereignty, thereby requiring U.S. Special Forces to flood that nation's waterways with mines. The Texas border was, after all, just a two-day drive away from Managua.

Perhaps I digress. Back to the Post article, placed in the context of the booming job market here in Northeastern Pennsylvania.

DHS Plans Major High-Tech Response to Port Security Critics

The following commentary is intended as satire, but was produced in response to an actual U.S. government project.

Responding to criticism of U.S port, border, and coastline security, the Dept. of Homeland Security (DHS) is taking action to simultaneously assuage such concerns while minimizing the burden on taxpayers. Specifically, it is launching an initiative to comprehensively renovate the Pizza Parlor bathrooms of the Coast Guard's Kodiak, Alaska, facility, a project that TPR has discovered will cost no more than $75,000.

The project coincides with a separate U.S. government endeavor planned for the summer to determine the status of nuclear contamination beneath Amchitka Island, Alaska -- site of the largest underground nuclear test in U.S. history.