THE PEACOCK REPORT (TPR)

Rats on Acid, Mice on Meth

Hordes of vicious rats, tripping on acid, experiencing hallucinations of swirling, goody filled garbage heaps.

Legions of mice on meth, speeding through the crevices of your home in a peripatetic search for cheese, crumbs, or perhaps your toenails when you're not paying attention and your feet are sticking out from the blanket while you sleep.

They could be coming. And the federal government would be responsible. The unleashing of these reprehensible rodents, and the havoc they could wreak upon our society will rest on the hands of the President and his underlings at the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), who would be guilty of perpetrating this crime against humanity and against nature.

Okay, if such a thing were ever to happen -- which almost certainly never will occur -- then we would hold the Bush Administration accountable. But it will not happen (I think), so chill.

In reality (well, certainly not from a rat's point of view), NIDA is indeed looking for small businesses capable of administering hallucinogens and speed (and/or related chemical "compounds") into the bodies of live rats and mice, respectively. Under the auspices of the Treatment Discovery Programs at NIDA, the desired outcome of the endeavor is the testing and assessment of "potential pharmacotherapies for drugs of abuse including stimulants and hallucinogens," according to a Nov. 29 "sources sought" notice located by Exhortations.

On a more serious note, if NIDA feels that it has to get rodents all whacked out and high as a means of helping humans to battle substance abuse, so be it. Trip away, little rodents.

If by some chance any of these wide-eyed rodents happened to escape the selected contractor's facilities, and find their way into the privacy of your home, Exhortations has this suggestion: slip a copy of Atom Heart Mother by Pink Floyd into your CD player (or 8-track tape player, if appropriate), call animal control, then sit back and relax.

Even rats on acid and mice on meth cannot resist the mesmerizing power of pieces such as Alan's Psychedelic Breakfast and If. Just close your eyes and wait for authorities to arrive. In the end, all will be well.

Marines Need Your Help In Simulating Death, Dismemberment

The U.S. Marine Corps needs your help: if you specialize in creating make-believe disasters (Karl Rove wannabes need not apply in this case), and can actually simulate carnage for in-person viewing, the the Corps has got a contract for you. Specifically, the USMC is looking for 40 "Advanced Military Casualty Simulation Kits" for use at Camp Lejeune. You know which simulation kit I'm talking about. "This is the one for creating a disaster where application of makeup on multiple casualties creates the widest range of wounds. This kit contains specialty wounds associated with gunshots, like perforations, major avulsions, and complex jaw wounds, and a large supply of makeup components," as a recent FedBizOpps solicitation put it.

The contracting notice points out that the kits must contain:

a) Bleeding Strap on Moulages complete with Reservoir Bag & Pump Assembly;

b) 2 Compound Fracture Humerus (Upper Arm);

c) 2 Compound Fracture Tibia (Lower Leg);

d) 5 Dozen Assorted Stick-On Injury Simulations;

e) 1 Make Up Palette

f) 1 Pair Of Scissors;

g) 1 Mirror;

h) 1 Measuring Cup;

i) 2 Atomizer Mist Sprayer;

j) 1 Casualty Simulation Wax;

k) 1 Body Adhesive For Stick-On Wounds;

l) 2 Bottles Of Coagulant Makeup Blood;

m) 3 Packages Of Powder To Make;

n) Three Gallons Of Simulated Blood;

o) 1 Methyl Cellulose For Blood Thickening;

p) 2 Packages Of Broken Plexiglas, Simulating Glass Imbedded In Wound;

q) 2 Fake Dirt

r) 1 Glycerine For Simulating Perspiration;

s) 1 Cold Cream;

t) 1 Mineral Oil;

u) 1 Charcoal;

v) 3 Latex Compound to simulate scars;

w) 2 Petroleum Jelly;

x) 2 Pressure Sensitive Tape;

y) 1 Plastalene Modeling Paste - White;

z) 1 Plastalene Modeling Paste - Dark

zz) 2 Each Makeup Liners--Colors: Red, Blue, Brown, White, Yellow, Black, & Flesh.

zzz) Also Included: An Assortment of Cotton Balls (100 Pk.), Cotton Applicators/Swab Sticks (100 Pk.), Tongue Depressors (100), Tissues, Makeup Sponges (Set Of 6), and Spatulas (Pk. 6)

If you don't believe me, check out the the Sept. 16 document for yourself. Of course, the unanswered question is this: with tens of thousands of civilian deaths in Iraq, and close to 3,000 deaths and untold casualties sustained by U.S. troops, why is there still a need to simulate such carnage? 

USDA Gets Sheepish on America

A confession: I lack knowledge about sheep sperm and blood. As a result, I cannot comment on such matters authoritatively. There is, however, a bright spot regarding this shortcoming (no pun intended): the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture (USDA), which maintains a frozen depository of this stuff, apparently doesn’t know much about the topic either. Why else would it use your tax dollars to hire private contractors to take a closer look at the bodily fluids of sheep on its behalf?

The USDA today (not to be confused with the newspaper USA Today) launched a search for private sector help in this matter. Not just the USDA, but the National Center for Genetic Resources Preservation  in the National Animal Germplasm Program  of the Agricultural Research Service  of the USDA (of the Fort Collins, Colorado, USDA facility, that is). The department intends to award a contract to conduct ongoing analyses of semen and white blood cells from various sheep breeds “for the purpose of determining the genetic distance between the sheep breeds tested.”

Rubbers to Rwanda

Over one-hundred million male condoms were poised to be distributed around the globe late last year by the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID), according to an actual government planning document obtained by Exhortations to the Oblivious. The massive shipment of prophylactics was to be targeted at developing countries, whose populations will use them "in family planning programs... HIV/AIDS prevention programs... and in a full range of service delivery programs: public sector, non-governmental, community based and private."