THE PEACOCK REPORT (TPR)

Feds Plan to Build National 'Teacher Training' Site

Teacher accountability and professional development are among the many target areas that the No Child Left Behind (NCLB) Act, hypothetically, seeks to strengthen. Despite claims that the Act oversteps constitutional boundaries --arguably interfering with state and local control of education policy -- the federal government continues to exhibit leadership in preparing aspiring teachers for public service. Specifically, the Bush Administration is planning to build a national Teacher Training Facility as part of a larger program of assisting in the "rehabilitation, livelihood, and rebuilding of economic and social infrastructure" of the nation, according to procurement documents that Exhortations to the Oblivious has obtained.

Whether fortunately or unfortunately for American educators, administrators, and students, the above-mentioned nation to reap the fruits of such a government compound is not the United States. Rather, the U.S. Agency for International Development will fund construction of the facility in the Aceh province of Indonesia.

It remains unknown whether the school will offer the existing popular course of study "Educating Students in Jihadist Techniques for Slaughtering Christians." The class clearly has come in handy for local Indonesians who in recent years participated in attacks on missionaries and other relief workers during international post-tsunami recovery efforts.

U.S. Needs Uganda's Help -- Write Now, Before It's Too Late!

Exhortations to the Oblivious recently reported on the astounding prospect of Washington, D.C., leading international efforts to rid the world of governmental corruption, with Uganda being the latest recipient of our beneficence and, um, ethical leadership [If you have just vomited or laughed so abruptly that mucus accidentally flew out of your nostrils, it's understandable; people rarely utter the phrases "ethical leadership" and "Washington, D.C.," in the same sentence, so, seeing them paired together must have come as a shock.]  Anyhow, Exhortations has gotten its hands on a list of folks and organizations -- replete with e-mail addresses -- whom on May 30 attended a USAID/Kampala "Confrerence" [sic] on this particular segment of the Strengthening Capacity to Fight Corruption initiative.

In light of the rampant corruption of the U.S. federal government (and the corruption of state governments such as the one here in New Jersey), we think its time to ask these Ugandans and the contractors seeking to secure a piece of the action to return the favor: help us fight corruption in Washington, D.C. and elsewhere in the United States, because we sure as hell can't do it on our own, as you all may have already suspected.

Please utilize this e-mail list -- do it now! -- and contact the "confrerence" [sic] attendees to enlist their assistance.

Save us from ourselves, Uganda! Save us!

Old McDonald Had A.... Tax Bill to Pay for Overseas Farm Subsidies

Family owned U.S. farms continue to face seemingly insurmountable obstacles in the face of globalization -- so the federal government is stepping in to help farmers... in the former Soviet republic of Kyrgyzstan. 

In order to accomplish this task, the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) has boosted the value of an existing contract previously awarded to Chemonics International, which will now "expand legal and consulting services to farmers and rural communities in Kyrgyzstan," according to a procurement document that Exhortations to the Oblivious recently located. USAID's exercising of this $634,348 option brings the value of the Chemonics contract to $6.5 million.

And an oink-oink here, and an oink-oink there. Here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink-oink.

Help Wanted

Tired of your desk job? Ready to retire your cast-iron spatula at Burger Slop? Looking for travel and adventure? Well, Exhortations to the Oblivious has got an idea for you! Don't thank me, however. All gratitude goes to the Pentagon!

The U.S. Defense Logistics Agency launched a recruitment campaign earlier this month seeking over 600 skilled drivers to carry defense products in exotic lands, all overseas. No fooling.

One drawback, however -- okay, one of many drawbacks -- is the fact that you'll have to put your driving skills to the test on the roads of, um, Iraq and northern Kuwait.

Oh, and as just an aside, you'll be driving wheeled oil tankers, filled to the brim with flammable petrochecmicals.

But don't worry about that, because outgoing, disgraced Secy. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld likely doesn't care in hoot if want to keep wearing your NASCAR cap while on duty. Even that dusty ol' cap you bought at Winn Dixie 27 years ago.

Additionally, in a clear sign that Bush Administration officials are sincere when they utter the phrase "compassionate conservatism," you won't be held accountable if a rocket slams into your truck and all the fuel spills out (or, more than likely, burns and dissipates into a thick, toxic black cloud). If you are lucky enough to not feel oneness with the cloud, if you what I mean, then you're home free to collect your pay.

Before signing on, however, read the fine print from the actual contract solicitation, enlarged below for your convenience:

The contractor has the responsibility to deliver to the Government at destination all product entrusted in the contractor’s custody at origin except for the loss of product caused by the hostile acts of third parties such as terrorists or insurgents. The contractor assumes all other risks.

Contractor bears all risk and responsibility for personal injury or deaths of its employees or agents or subcontractor employees or for any damage to or loss of equipment during the thransportation [sic] of the fuel. The cause for damage or loss include, but are not limited to, hostile acts or thurd [sic] parties such as terrorists or insurgents, the U.S. military destroying disabled vehicles which must be abandoned, or theft or pilferage by third parties of disabled or abandoned vehicles. Claims for these types of losses will not be paid under this contract.

The U.S. Military or Coalition Forces will provide security escort for convoys transiting to locations in Iraq and returning to Navistar. The U.S. Military or Coalition Forces providing security escorts are acting to ensure that mission critical fuel reaches its destination. DESC [Defense Energy Support Center] is not responsible for the actions of U.S. Military or Coalition Forces. DESC does not warrant that the security escorts will keep the contractor’s employees , agents, subcontractor employees, or equipment free from harm.

Don' t you just love the part where it says that DoD "is not responsible for the actions of U.S. Military or Coalition Forces." In other words, if your protectors accidentally blow your head off, well, too bad!

Just one other stipulation:

The U.S. Military or Coalition Forces may not be available to provide security escort for vehicle recovery missions.

Still not sure if you're up the the challenge? Then get a copy of Iraq for Sale, an independent documentary that's simply chock full of live interviews and video footage of contractor truck-convoys in action.

A decision will be imminent. I can feel it.

Forward, march!

The John Ashcroft Portrait Project

One of the chief architects -- or should I say perpetrators -- of the USA Patriot Act and related Fatherland Security efforts has become an aspiring businessman in the field of... you guessed it: Fatherland Security! As reported in the Washington Post (see Ashcroft Finds Private-Sector Niche: Ex-Attorney General Helps Firms Get Homeland Security Deals), Ol' Ashcan is gonna rake in the bucks by helping to facilitate the process of transferring the nation's wealth from the U.S. Treasury to the pockets of U.S. industry. How convenient.

Consequently, Exhortations to the Oblivious is pleased to re-post the following report & commentary -- The John Ashcroft Portrait Project -- which originally appeared on an earlier, prototype Exhortations site.

The John Ashcroft Portrait Project

Keeping with U.S. Dept. of Justice (DoJ) tradition, John Ashcroft recently handpicked an artist who has been commissioned to create a portrait of the former attorney general. Acclaimed portraiture artist John Howard Sanden will prepare a three-quarter body-length oil painting of Ashcroft. The finished product "shall be displayed in a place of distinction, either in an office of a senior official or with public space, within the [DoJ]," according to a recently circulated but unpublicized procurement document.

Ashcroft's successor, Attorney Gen. Alberto Gonzalez, once again has reviewed all U.S. and international laws and treaties governing the use of torture, and subsequently has given the go-ahead to display the portrait in a public venue.

"While the imposing figure of Mr. Ashcroft may indeed end up striking fear into the hearts of small children, squirrels and pigeons, librarians and booksellers, staff members of the Electronic Privacy Information Center, and homeless folks living on park benches adjacent to DoJ's Pennsylvania Avenue headquarters, I am confident that the deployment of such artwork does not fall within the Bush Administration's narrow definition of torture," Gonzalez told me in a late-night interview in the shadows of the Jefferson Memorial.

The DoJ has firmly reserved its right to locate Ashcroft's image in or around a federal facility (not including Leavenworth Federal Prison, where Ashcroft's marijuana-growing nephew would have served time if, well... never mind) . However, the details of how Ashcroft will be featured remains open for debate.

It has come to my attention that artist John Howard Sanden is suffering from "painter's block" and is unable to hammer out a specific pose or background for Ashcroft's portrait. I empathize with Mr. Sanden, and therefore I've come up with a couple of ideas that may help get his creative juices flowing.

1) How about a painting, in the style of photographer Annie Liebowitz, of Ashcroft curled up in bed, bare-ass naked, gazing into the eyes of an eager President George W. Bush -- you know, just like that famous photo of John Lennon and Yoko Ono? For a little dramatic flair, perhaps Sanden could ink in an image of Lady Liberty

2) Speaking of famous pictures, Sanden should consider crafting a modified version of the June 1972 photo featuring Vietnamese children running down the street after U.S warplanes tlinescorched their clothes off with napalm; using that photo as a guide, Sanden might consider painting a picture of Ashcroft, running side-by-side with Darth Vader, chasing a tattered and panic-stricken Lady Liberty as she sprints from the White House to the Capitol building in search of protection, only to have House Speaker Dennis Hastert slam the doors in her face. Ashcroft and Vader, of course, would be hurling lightning bolt-shaped spears -- emblazoned with the words "Patriot Act" -- at her back. peeking into the room from an adjacent doorway, dropping her torch in shock as if discovering an unfaithful spouse in bed with a prostitute.

Well, I've about run out of ideas to send to Mr. Sanden. Any suggestions? Please submit your comments, and I'll make sure that he gets them. Remember, it's your patriotic duty to participate. If you're not with us, then you're against us!

Armies of Incarcerated Cosmetologists Springing Up in West Virginia

Crime doesn't pay -- unless, that is, you're an aspiring cosmetologist serving time in a federal penitentiary in West Virginia. That's right ladies, if you're dreaming of becoming a make-up artist or professional  nail trimmer (A.K.A.: "manicurist" and "nail techology engineer"), and you happen to occupy a cell in the minimum-security Federal Prison Camp of Alderson, W.V., that chance of a lifetime is right at your, I mean, the government's, doorstep!

According to a solicitation document that Exhortations to the Oblivious has obtained, the Federal Bureau of Prisons (BOP) soon will deploy a cosmetology educator to West Virginny to teach you such skills. Each eligible detainee must sign a release-form agreeing that, once released from prison, she will seek employment at a legitimate beauty salon rather than sell coke, heroin, or meth (regardless of whether it's to undercover DEA agents or to neighborhood 'persons') and, if applicable, refrain from slashing the throats of impatient boyfriends, girlfriends, or pimps who simply do not understand your newfound career options.

Following completion of 2,000 hours of in-house/Big-House training (the first 300 hours of which you must conduct using mannequins rather than actual humans), you'll find yourself armed with.... well, in "non-indictable possession of" -- a State Board of Cosmetology license. Thanks to grateful U.S. taxpayers, you'll be ready to return to society -- pending subsequent completion of your sentence or the granting of early release by the parole board.

Specific to potential cosmetology contractors interested in this teaching and mentoring opportunity, experience isn't necessary, though you must at least possess a Master Teacher certification from the State of West Virginia.

Seriously.

The selected contractor also will be responsbile for training a limited number of top students to lead planning committees tasked with improving communication and increasing "community awareness of the program," the document says.

We're serious about that one, too.

Attendance at Klan rallies is not mandatory for this public outreach segment of the program.

Jobs, Rejoice! Price Chopper Now Offers Hobson's Choice

The Washington Post reported that U.S. employers added 243,000 jobs last month. Most notable is Post writer Neil Irwin's proclamation that these U.S. Dept. of Labor statistics are "the latest evidence that the U.S. economy began the year on an upswing."

Let's keep in mind that the DoL stats may or may not be as reliable as President Bush's claim that Iraq in 2001 was a threat to our national security. Okay, maybe that's somewhat harsh. Instead, let me recast the validity of those numbers on the level of, say, the Reagan Administration's stance in the 1980s that Nicaragua was a threat to U.S. sovereignty, thereby requiring U.S. Special Forces to flood that nation's waterways with mines. The Texas border was, after all, just a two-day drive away from Managua.

Perhaps I digress. Back to the Post article, placed in the context of the booming job market here in Northeastern Pennsylvania.