THE PEACOCK REPORT (TPR)

Anticorruption Initiative Gains Steam

The U.S. Congress has been unable -- or unwilling -- to sufficiently tackle the issue of governmental corruption, but TPR sister site Exhortations to the Oblivious is poised to solve this problem. Check out U.S. Needs Uganda's Help -- Write Now, Before It's Too Late! for more on this initiative.

"Outsourcing Victory"

Tired of the depressing accounts of waste and corruption in government procurement that TPR so often uncovers and chronicles? Well, for a change of pace, TPR suggests you check out cartoonist Mark Fiore's hilarious take on the foibles of wartime federal contracting, Outsourcing Victory.

We Are a Beacon of Light, Part III

The worldwide extension of the U.S. government's leadership in combatting corruption and waste is continuing unabated, evidenced by the latest plan by the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) to deploy yet another Senior Anticorruption Advisor -- this time, our nation gets to shine as a Pure Beacon of Light Unto the World in the nation of Moldova.

Yes, Moldova. Don't ask me, pick up a map, alright?

Luckily, the candidate for this position won't be diving blindly into the deep, dark waters of Moldova, as the Moldovians (Or is it Moldovites? Moldandmildewites? I sure don't know) already have launched their own anticorruption initiative, centering upon, according to recently obtained USAID document:

1) Reforming the judiciary;

2) Strengthening the monitoring capacity of civil society and mass media;

3) Preventing and curbing corruption in the health sector;

4) Curbing corruption in tax, customs, and police bodies;

5) Reforming the Center for Combating Economic Crimes and Corruption.

Just for the record, The Peacock Report would like to point out that the government of Moldova wants to pursue the above-mentioned reforms in its own country, rather than elsewhere, such as in Washington, D.C., or on Wall Street.

Perhaps the government of the United States can learn something from this inwardly reflective approach. But, in the meantime, USAID intends to unveil a concurrent version of this endeavor in and for Moldova, since the Moldovians obviously can't be trusted to do this on their own.

As previously reported here at TPR, USAID has increased its planned investment into international anticorruption projects (but no, not in the U.S.) to $750,000,000. Similarly, as documented by our sister site Exhortations ot the Oblivious, USAID is commencing this noble venture by helping the government of Tanzania to fight corruption.

We'll show those Tanzanian devils and Moldovians how to get it right. Right?

Socks and Rockets

TPR's sister site, Exhortations to the Oblivious, has a plan once and for all to help Iraq to re-occupy Iraq.

Sock it to 'em, King George.

Click here to find out more.

Armies of Incarcerated Cosmetologists Springing Up in West Virginia

Crime doesn't pay -- unless, that is, you're an aspiring cosmetologist serving time in a federal penitentiary in West Virginia.

To read the full text of this satirical report, visit our sister site Exhortations to the Oblivious.

Cash In and Kiss Your Food Stamps Goodbye

Attention, cashiers of America! It is in your best interest to check out the latest satirical report from TPR's sister site Exhortations to the Oblivious. Go there right now, as it involves money that could be yours.

Cash In and Kiss Your Food Stamps Goodbye

Attention, cashiers of America! Your days of making $6.50 an hour cashiering at the supermarket -- you know, that store where you bring your government-issued food stamps because the place refuses to pay you enough to actually shop there -- may be over. Well, at least for one of you.

The U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) is looking to hire an experienced cashier and the agency is looking to pay you quite well -- in the $42,040-$54,649 range, no less.

There's one catch, however. You have to move to Baghdad. Yes, that one. The one in Iraq. Yes, the country where your future employer, the U.S. government, has sent about 2,500 of our soldiers to early graves in a war based on Executive Branch lies and fraud. But don't concern yourself with that, 'cause soon you'll be making big bucks and living a Baghdad dream.

And fret not about getting yourself blasted to bits, because according to a May 9 federal personnel-services notice that Exhortations to the Oblivious has so graciously acquired, you'll be living in a protected USAID compound, which the notice says is  "located within the guarded and fortified International Zone in Baghdad. Housing is provided in the newly built hard houses."

The document clearly indicates living in a Hard House will be fun, as it is situated within a USAID compound that "comprises also a restaurant, gym, and an office building."

Sounds like fun! I say throw your food-stamp card in the garbage right now, then go and tell your manager at Price Chopper to kiss your rear end -- because you're Baghdad-bound, baby!

Bank Like An Egyptian

If only my wife were an Egyptian banker, we wouldn’t be having the damn problems we’re having right now.

Compassionate Conservatism for One Million Homeless Iraqis

I'm reposting this article, which originally was distributed via Indymedia Oct. 19, 2004, because of the sad irony that it represents. Take note of the fact that I wrote the piece in my awestruck response to Bush Administration reaching the 1,000 mark of dead U.S. soldiers -- we are now around the 2,500 mark, and Lord knows how high that body count will go.

The situation in Iraq is improving, our President says. Put in the context that the U.S. government will spend hundreds of millions of dollars to help Iraqis displaced by the conflict -- and to rebuild critical infrastructure, such as water treatment systems, which U.S. forces destroyed during the conflict -- there's, er, um, some truth to Bush's claims, isn't there?

USDA Gets Sheepish on America

A confession: I lack knowledge about sheep sperm and blood. As a result, I cannot comment on such matters authoritatively. There is, however, a bright spot regarding this shortcoming (no pun intended): the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture (USDA), which maintains a frozen depository of this stuff, apparently doesn’t know much about the topic either. Why else would it use your tax dollars to hire private contractors to take a closer look at the bodily fluids of sheep on its behalf?

The USDA today (not to be confused with the newspaper USA Today) launched a search for private sector help in this matter. Not just the USDA, but the National Center for Genetic Resources Preservation  in the National Animal Germplasm Program  of the Agricultural Research Service  of the USDA (of the Fort Collins, Colorado, USDA facility, that is). The department intends to award a contract to conduct ongoing analyses of semen and white blood cells from various sheep breeds “for the purpose of determining the genetic distance between the sheep breeds tested.”